"THE BASIC PREMISE OF ANCIENT ALIENS, which I still don’t disagree with, mind you, is that all the spiritual slash religious slash historical shit that has been happening from time immemorial has been the work of, well, ancient aliens. I suppose that sounds crazy to you, but it didn’t sound crazy to me. I don’t watch TV, but when you’re in a mental hospital, TV is hard to avoid. I’m not going to tell the whole story of how I was committed because then we’d be here for weeks. Let’s just say it involved Little Rock, a gram of cocaine, and a dude I thought was a friend. So I’m in Sacred Heart Mental Hospital on that haunted-ass island, and I’m strolling through the corridors, and what do I fucking see on one of the hundred wall-mounted TVs? Ancient Fucking Aliens. The shit’s impressive. Astronaut scientists who have, like, figured out Joan of Arc’s sword—you know the one that allowed her to fight for France? That was probably brought to her by an alien that looked like a god. All that Greek god shit? Aliens fucking with us. Hephaestus? Definitely an alien (there was a whole episode on sacred metals; I was riveted). It was my second week there, and they had just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. "